“When I was a youth of fifteen, an indescribable silence blew through my mind and heart,” writes Brianchaninov, in his fortieth year of life, being an archimandrite and abbot of the Sergius Hermitage 382 . “But I did not understand it, I believed that this was the usual state of all people. Thus I entered into military and at the same time academic service, not by my choice and desire. Then I did not dare, did not know how to desire anything: because I had not yet found the Truth, had not yet seen It clearly in order to desire It. Human sciences, the inventions of the fallen human mind, became the object of my attention: I rushed to them with all the strength of my soul; vague occupations and religious feelings remained on the sidelines. Almost two years passed in earthly pursuits: some terrible emptiness was born and had already grown in my soul, hunger appeared, an unbearable longing appeared - for God. I began to mourn my negligence, to mourn the oblivion to which I had betrayed my faith, to mourn the sweet silence that I had lost, to mourn the emptiness that I had acquired, which weighed me down, terrified me, filling me with a feeling of orphanhood, of being deprived of life! And indeed – it was the languor of a soul that had departed from its true life – God...
My concepts were already more mature; I sought certainty in religion . Unaccountable religious feelings did not satisfy me; I wanted to see the true, the clear, the Truth. At that time, various religious ideas occupied and excited the northern capital, argued, fought among themselves 383 . Neither one nor the other side pleased my heart; it did not trust them, it feared them.
My mind was completely immersed in science, and at the same time it burned with the desire to find out where the true faith lies, where the true teaching about it lies, free from errors, both dogmatic and moral.
Meanwhile, the boundaries of human knowledge in the highest, final sciences were already revealed to the eye. Having come to these boundaries, I asked the sciences: “What do you give as property to man? Man is eternal, and his property must be eternal. Show me this eternal property, this sure wealth that I could take with me beyond the grave! Until now I have seen only knowledge given, so to speak, for maintenance, ending with the earth, unable to exist after the separation of the soul from the body.”
Having questioned each science separately – mathematics, physics, chemistry and philosophy, having mentioned in passing geography, geodesy, linguistics, literature and art, Brianchaninov came to the conclusion that “they are all for the earth; the need for them for man ends with the end of earthly life – for the most part much earlier.” “If I spend all the time of my earthly life to gain knowledge that ends with earthly life – what will I take with me beyond the boundaries of gross matter?..” – the young man asked. “Sciences!” he exclaimed, “give me, if you can, something eternal, positive, give me something inalienable and true, worthy of being called the property of man! – The sciences were silent!..”
“For a satisfactory answer, for an answer that is essentially necessary, vital, I turn to faith,” Brianchaninov continues. “But where are you hiding, true and holy faith? I could not recognize you in fanaticism, which was not sealed with the meekness of the Gospel: it breathed fervor and arrogance! I could not recognize you in a willful teaching, separating from the Church, composing its own new system, vainly and arrogantly proclaiming the discovery of a new, true Christian faith, eighteen centuries after the incarnation of God the Word (*114) . Ah, in what heavy bewilderment my soul floated! How terribly it languished! What waves of doubt rose up against it, born from mistrust of itself, from mistrust of everything that was noisy, crying out around me - from ignorance, not seeing the truth!” 384
Where did the young zealot of Truth finally turn in his search for the “true and holy faith”? By what path did he find the hidden pearl for which his soul yearned so much?
“And I began,” he says, “often, with tears, to beg God that He would not betray me as a victim to error, that He would show me the right path along which I could direct the invisible procession to Him with my mind and heart. Suddenly a thought appears to me... my heart to it, as into the arms of a friend. This thought inspired me to study the faith in the sources - in the writings of the Holy Fathers. “Their holiness,” it said to me, “guarantees their fidelity: choose them as your guides.” I obey. I find a way to obtain the writings of the holy saints of God; with thirst I begin to read them, to study them deeply. Having read some, I take up others, read, reread, study. What struck me first of all in the writings of the Fathers of the Orthodox Church? - It is their agreement, a wonderful, majestic agreement. Eighteen centuries, in their mouths, unanimously testify to one teaching, the Divine teaching” 385 .
This unity of patristic teaching that struck Brianchaninov is artistically depicted in the following words: “When on a clear autumn night I look at the pure sky, strewn with countless stars of such different sizes, emitting a single light, then I say to myself: such are the writings of the Fathers. When on a summer day I look at the vast sea, covered with a multitude of different ships with their sails spread out, like white swan wings, ships running under one wind, to one goal, to one harbor, then I say to myself: such are the writings of the Fathers. When I hear a harmonious, numerous choir, in which different voices in graceful harmony sing a single Divine song, then I say to myself: such are the writings of the Fathers.”
"What teaching, by the way, do I find in them?" Brianchaninov asks himself, and answers: "I find a teaching repeated by all the Fathers, a teaching that the only path to salvation is unwavering adherence to the instructions of the Holy Fathers." "Have you seen," they say, "someone who was deceived by false teaching, who perished from an incorrect choice of ascetic labors - know: he followed himself, his reason, his opinions, and not the teaching of the Fathers 386 , from which the dogmatic and moral tradition of the Church is composed. With it, as with priceless property, she nourishes her children."
“This thought (*115) is sent by God, from Whom “every gift is good” ( James 1:17 ), from Whom also a good thought is the beginning of every good,” concludes Brianchaninov. “This is what the Fathers affirm, this is evident from the very essence of the matter (*116) .
This thought was my first refuge in the land of truth. Here my soul found rest from the excitement and winds. A good, saving thought! A thought – a priceless gift from the all-good God, who wants all people to be saved and... to come to the knowledge of the truth! This thought became the foundation stone for the spiritual creation of my soul. This thought became my guiding star! It began to constantly illuminate for me the difficult and sorrowful, narrow, invisible path of the mind and heart to God. I looked at the religious world from this thought, and saw: the cause of all errors lies in ignorance, in oblivion, in the absence of this thought"